


Love/Hate

by TheonSugden



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Assisted Suicide, Gen, Knives, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Loathing, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-28
Updated: 2015-09-28
Packaged: 2018-04-23 20:21:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4890826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheonSugden/pseuds/TheonSugden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Setting up the hospital scene in the 9/28/15 episode - Paddy questions Aaron's feelings and reactions about Robert.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love/Hate

“Are you going to eat that?”

Aaron looked at Paddy, then at the sausage and eggs Vic had piled onto his plate under what she’d labeled “stress cooking.”

Every bite made him feel even more like a piece of shit than he already did. 

Still, he was hungry.

“Yeah, probably.”

Paddy nodded sagely before stealing the plate with impossibly quick hands. 

“Sorry - still living on take-out.” 

Aaron shrugged, finishing his brew and trying to ignore Paddy staring at him while scarfing mouthfuls.

“Aaro - “

“Don’t wanna talk, Paddy.”

Paddy went back to eating.

The tense breakfast was interrupted by Marlon, arms-a-windmill at his best supplies being used well before the lunch rush.

Aaron had little time for Marlon on days like this - he had little time for anyone these days. 

He grabbed the half-eaten meal, complete with Paddy’s fork, and pushed it into Marlon’s finally-stilled hands. 

Marlon seemed bewildered that they’d actually been paying attention to him.

“Take your grub and go.”

Paddy looked from the taller and shorter man like he was in one of the old Western flicks he still marathoned at 4 AM.

Marlon, mouth open, put the plate back down on the table, hands in the air.

“Don’t shoot!” he yelled.

When no one laughed, he turned various colors.

“Well it wasn’t meant to be so  _serious_ …” he squeaked before slowly walking out of the room backwards.

Paddy chuckled as he started on his breakfast again.

“Not funny, Paddy,” Aaron groused. 

“Well it  _kind_  of was,” Paddy muttered through his eggs, “and - he doesn’t know the whole story, does he?”

Aaron conceded with silence.

As Paddy wiped his mouth, he stopped and started asking a question about five different times.

“Just say it.”

Paddy sighed.

“Fine. When are you seeing him? I don’t think you should go alone.”

Aaron snorted in disbelief, leaning over the table in an angry whisper.

“You havin’ a laugh? He can drop dead for all I care. Wanted to let ‘im bleed out like the pig he is.”

Paddy didn’t seem very surprised or upset with his harsh tone.

“I’d say the same…if I didn’t know what it would do to you.”

Aaron could hear Robert taunting him, the last scrapyard tirade ringing in his ears as Paddy gave him that oh-so-concerned stare.

“Do to me? I’d dance a flamin’ jig all over Hotten!”

Paddy broke eye contact, suddenly more interested in cleaning his glasses. 

“I think we both know that isn’t very true.”

Aaron fumed. 

“How sick do ya think I am, Paddy? He’s a monster. A  _monster_.”

Paddy didn’t look very convinced, so Aaron upped the stakes.

“I coulda shot him meself. You don’t know, do ya?”

Paddy leaned over the table himself when that topic came up.

“I do know,” Paddy hissed, lightly poking Aaron in the chest to get him to stop even saying the words where someone might hear them, “because I know you.”

Aaron sat back, arms folded over his chest. 

Of course. 

Everyone knew him so fucking well.

“Howdya know? That egg head givin’ you mind-readin’ powers?”

Paddy, pushed by Aaron’s goading, answered.

“I know because you’d either be down at the station bragging, or you’d…”

He cut himself off. 

Aaron was about to ask him what he was going to say when he saw Paddy eye the sharp knife left where the breakfast plates had been.

Aaron sneered, because if he didn’t, he probably would’ve burst into tears at just how little faith Paddy had in him.

“Oh yeah. Poor Aaron. He’ll carve himself to pieces to show everybody how sad he is? Poor little Aaron,” he managed through the lump in his throat. 

“Aaron, I -”

“He was right,” Aaron forced out with a harsh laugh. “He was right. I hated him so much for what he said to me…and you know why?” He laughed again, wiping his eyes. “Cos’ I knew he was right.”

Paddy spoke louder this time, more authoritative.

“He wasn’t right. Nothing’s that simple, Aaron. But I have a pretty good idea that he didn’t say anything you haven’t said to yourself.”

Aaron winced, because that hurt more than all the rest. 

“Maybe,” he said, staring at his fingers, remembering when they were covered in his own blood…remembering when they were covered in Robert’s blood. “Maybe we’re just alike. Both killers. Both killed good people. Two of a kind, right?”

Paddy shook his head.

“You aren’t a killer, Aaron. You did what you thought was right.”

“And he did what he thought was right - ain’t that what all killers say?”

“You were a scared boy who had the man you love and his mother telling you what they wanted - what they needed - day in and day out. Jackson was a good man, but -”

Aaron couldn’t bear to hear where this was going. Sometimes at night he had the same thoughts, of what he’d been put through and how angry he still felt. But he couldn’t be angry at Jackson. Jackson was crippled because of him. Dead because of him.

“Jackson was too good for me,” Aaron spat, glaring more at the world than Paddy. “Maybe Robert’s just like me - scum. We both told the same lies, right? Every time I see Vic or Diane I lie. Last time I saw Andy, I lied.”

Paddy barely started before Aaron interrupted him.

“I had no choice, right?”

He knew Paddy wanted to say a lot of things, most of which he didn’t want to hear, even if he needed to hear a few of them.

“Maybe I should go be a good little boyfriend and sit at Robert’s bed and wait for me next instructions,” he growled to himself. 

He noticed the shift in Paddy’s face.

“Oh - so you’re right. Maybe I am gonna see him. See if he’s still breathin’ or if we got lucky. Wanna gloat? Well you’re wrong. I’m not going cos I  _love_  him,” he said, putting as much venom into the word as possible. “I hate him. I fuckin’ hate him.”

“You loved the man you wanted him to be. Even after what he did to …K-Katie. Then -” Paddy continued, even with Aaron close to bolting, “Then when you thought you knew who he was, you hated him…but you loved him too.”

“Paddy, just shut -”

“And now - now you  _really_  know who he is, and you hate him…you hate him so much…I don’t want you anywhere near him Aaron, but we both know where this is going, even after Katie, after everything. We have this talk and I warn and worry, and you swear and you swear, until -”

Aaron slammed his palm down on the table, rattling the plates.

Paddy barely noticed where it once would have startled him.

“Until nothin’, Paddy.”

Paddy gave him one final probing look before clearing the dishes.

“I have to get to the vets. Call if - if anything.”

Paddy lifted his palm from the table before he left, checking for cuts. 

“And ask Marlon to scramble you some more eggs. They’re really good this morning.”

Aaron pulled his hood over his head, wanting to take a long walk, get out of this place.

Before he went, he studied his smooth palm.

He still wondered where all the blood had gone.


End file.
